Damn you “Surprise Homecoming”.  You make me cry, make me way more patriotic (temporarily) than I am comfortable being, and you rip my cynicism right from under me.

That is…until last night.  Surprise Homecoming is a show on TLC in which members of the military surprise their loved ones by coming home from the Middle East.  These reunions are done in public in high falooting ways and there are always tears.  Can you say “heart strings”?  Probably the worst part of the show is that it’s hosted and narrated by Billy Ray Cyrus.  Anti-Christ?  Well, that’s debateable.  But what is a stone cold fact is that his monotone voice is as soul-crushing as the appearance of his mullet.  However, once you get past Mr. Cyrus and his ungodly/uncomfortable…well…everything, the show is a sweet account of families reuniting after incredibly stressful periods of time spent apart.

While watching Surprise Homecoming I always cry.  ALWAYS, and last night was no different.  I was two skips away from weeping as an Air Force soldier surprised his daughter during her Girl Scout meeting.  Not only that, but he also met his 8-month old child for the first time.  You’re crying a little right now, aren’t you?  As I watched I thought, “Oh shit…this is it.  I am no longer snarky.  I can no longer find the rediculousness in everyday life because this damn show and Billy Ray Cyrus have taken it away from me by force feeding me childhood innocence and patriotic hoo-ha.  Goodbye free thought and satire.  I guess it’s time for my eyeballs to finally straighten now that there will be no more rolling of them.  Bring on the good old red, white, blue, and sap!

But then…an angel came down from heaven and she was dressed as an overly emotional Girl Scout leader.  The leader…I forget her name…I think it was Sappy Pants McGoo, became so emotional at the reunion of father and daughter that as she spoke to the camera she couldn’t get more than two words at a time out before choking up so hard that the subsequent two words were incomprehensible.  It was…so goddamn hilarious you guys.  “It’s just *suck in breath suck in breath* so beautiful *exaggerated exhale exaggerated inhale*.”  This went on for a good paragraph of overly emotional hilarity.

I am SURE she was being sincere and I know that it’s slightly hypocritical of me to mock someone who was moved by the same thing that had driven me to tears.  But, I mean…come on!  My tears were falling liquid bits of Hell compared to this womans, and I was still able to form complete sentences.  In fact, I was able to laugh.  Laugh so hard that I almost fell off the bed.  Laugh so hard that I had completely forgotten about the reunion, Mr. Cyrus, or the *just a little too much* that often comes with a show that discusses homecomings, children, veterans, and/or country music.

Sure, I can be sappy and silly, just as long as the majority of me is snarky and witty.  It’s how I was raised and it’s how I like to be.  Come cry on my shoulder and I’ll stroke your hair and give you my advice…but I’m also gonna break the sadness with a joke at your expense, but just know that it’s all out of love.  Watching this little snippet of Surprise Homecoming my cynicism was reborn and it made me feel like me again.  It also reminded me why I quit the Girl Scouts in the 6th grade.

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